Confession

I used to feel that my life is like a dying light bulb. The power of the spirit just comes and goes, very much unstable. Perhaps I could say that the power in me is off most of the time. Until the recent battle that God test me through, I began to understand more of what does it mean to have power in our walk with God. I used to think that power begins in the moment we confess our sins to Jesus. Pure heart would brings power in life. Until the Holy Spirit reveal to me more about how the enemy uses confession to control us, I realize power of life does not begin from the moment we believe that we are forgiven, but it begins from the moment that we assure our identity with Christ as the children of God. The evil one uses confession as a tool to deceive us in several ways: (1) tempt us to sin over and over again and claim God would forgive; (2) deceive us to focus on the power of sin which make us stumble all the time; (3) he use the pains from the confession to create fear of failure in us so that we became either fearful to move forward or we became self-pitiful on all the things we do; (4) he make confession so significant that some time we forgot about the revelation that comes after, we receive forgiveness but we stopped at the point where we need to stand up and walk in the light again.

Do you believe that you have the power of the Spirit in you? Are you abiding in God through Christ? Brothers and sisters remember who you are in Christ, don't stop at confession and become self-pitiful, move on and focus on the one who is abide in you.

Press On!

Father, I stand to praise you and acknowledge you. You created all things and all things are created for the joy of glorifying you. Help me to continue stand to my feet. They become weak and began to shake. Your enemies, rejections and abandonments have eaten away my understanding of your love. Help me with my doubt Father. On day light your enemies deceive me and accuse me with all my failure, at night they discourage me in my dreams. They curse me and said to me "where is your God?" They said, "your God has abandon you and rejected you because I have fail God like the way I failed people that I love." Father how long will you stay silence? I will not trust in my bow nor will my sword can save me. For you, yourself will restore my dignity and integrity. I kept on standing to my feet even I knew I have failed in the past, so be my defender, Father. Do not let your enemies to discourage me? I am afraid that I might quit before I face another failure again. Father please do not stay silence. Open my eyes and my ears to hear you so that I may know you and continue to please you. I am not asking you to take me out from my battle, but Father increase my faith for you and protect me from the evil one. For your love and your grace is sufficient for me to face how you have intended for me to live.

Does God rest on Sunday (Sadbath)?

Little Karina asked this question in her weekly devotional a month ago. It's a cute question because it asked by a 10 year old girl, but what it really is a brilliant question. When is the last time we ask God something that is related to him? Don't we tend to ask question related more about us? Why this happen to me, how could God allow this and that, and God could you show me this and that... Hum... Does God rest on Sunday? Well I imagine it would be hard. Just think about how much more prayer He gets from Sunday Christian on His day. If the way we say a prayer is like sending an email to God. I bet that on the weekday, He probably has time to check the spam box. Not to say that sometime we send Him so much spam prayer anyway. We send the same prayer multiple time only we address it differently. Doesn't it just like spam? Imagine God wakes up on Sunday morning, all of a sudden those Christians devoted to Sunday spamming just keep trying to fill up His mailbox like there is no tomorrow. How can God really rest on Sunday? Well, thankfully He could, because He is whom He is. But seriously, we do need to learn asking God how does He like us to worship Him on Sunday.

You are significant

I wasted another day struggling with myself. Thought that I would watch a movie to get my mind off from things for a sec, but God knew all along and He uses this one line to struck the cord in my heart: "I wanted somebody who is very important to me to understand that..." That's the reason why I want my life to be significant, that's the reason why I like to feel I am needed. That's the reason why I am afraid to hurt someone. Because I am trying to find someone who is very important to me to understand the reason of my life.

DAH~ I know I am stupid. Who doesn't want to have someone who is very important to them? Well its easy to made someone to be important to you, but it is hard to find someone to accept that or understand that. Because when you make someone important to you, you are in control to love that person, but having someone who is very important to you to understand you, you are in love. This doesn't just apply to romance, but friendship also.

Maybe you will be thinking, we of course, to be someone who is very important requires commitment. But what really is a commitment? Why so many people afraid they can't keep commitment? Many believe commitment is about the way how we treat each other. It requires you to do many things to keep a commitment. No, I think that's not really commitment encamped. Commitment between two people is that both persons decided to love each other the way they are, not what they should be. Commitment is an oath saying to each other that we will always be important to each other even when it hurts (despite physical abuse). The reason why we always think commitments needed to do many things to keep them because we afraid if we don't do anything, the other party won't feel love and then the person won't love us back. Whether is friendship or romance, if a relationship has a real commitment, the two of them would not worry about what they have to do to love and be loved. All the works is a natural outflow of love. Commitment became works when love and trust is gone. That's why commitment needs to make in front of God, because He is the one who provide faith and love.

Anyway, I have been sidetrack talking about commitment. I really don't expect to find anyone to understand me. He already said that I won't find that someone. He said it long time ago and many times, I won't find that someone. Thank goodness He didn't say forever. It is because the significant other that I find is equivalent to the price Christ pay on the cross for me. I won't find anything more significant than that. Until I align myself in acknowledge that significant, I won't be satisfied with love. Perhaps that's why I am attracted to encourage people to love God, because I am attracted to see the testimony of His love. I want to find someone who to show me who they accept the unconditional love He gave.

Father, this love of yours is too hard to grasp. Noway I can put a price tag on Your sacrifice. The price is more than all the number of the world. I know that your love is deeper than the ocean and wider than the sky, but I am just too dumb and dull. I am afraid and my soul is downcast. I trust in you, Father. Help me not focus on my ability to receive, but the the ability that you give.

Am I a chicken or an eagle?

God I know that I am somebody in your eyes, but I really like a no body in this world. I am like an eagle that living in a cage. No body think that I am an eagle and I am too starting believe that I better off to believe that I am a chicken rather than an eagle. Yet I don't want to give in to what the world see me. Tell me God, am I a chicken or am I an eagle? You are my only hope. I entrust myself in your hand, and I believe that even if I am a chicken, I could soar in the air like the eagle, because you said that those who hope is in You, You will renew their strength and they would soar with wings like eagles. Where are you God? I am no body with you. If you are pleased with me, show me Your ways so that I can continue to please you. Struck down my pride and my arrogant, I know they don't belong in me. Shake off anything that prevent me from being who you created me to be. I trust in you Father. This world does not need chicken, or eagles that behave like a chicken. They need to see the works of you hands how you turn chicken to eagles, or how you train eagles to be like eagles, so that they would distinguish the eagles that you make from other eagles of the world that are egocentric. Listen to my prayer God, give ears to your servant. Do not cast your Holy Spirit away from me. My strength had left me, my heart throbs, even the lights of my eyes had faded, my ears is going deaf, and my tongue had tied up and turned mute. My soul why are you downcast? Trust in the Lord, and He will restore the joy of salvation in you. Remember His first touch, remember His first romance, remember the first dance He leads, have faith O my soul. Trust in the Lord.

Stupid me

Shouldn't have spend 4 hours on the beach last night. Yet I really needed that time with Jesus. Sigh but stupid me, after I set my clock for daylight saving, set my alarm to wake up at 7am, I FORGOT TO TURN IT ON!!! :( then I find myself woke up at 11:20am this morning. Today is the beginning of the new unit in Sunday school. I suppose to post up a new schedule and be there to assist the teachers and Christine. I called Christine immediately. Sigh... it must had been a chaos. When I called, the computer teachers were trying to figuring it out the password and user names of the computers that I set up. Also the class went without the spiritual journals that they suppose to have. By the time I got to church, Sunday school is over. I explained the situation to Christine. Even though she forgave me and try to encourage me, but as I looked into her eyes, I knew she had been crying and I must have frustrated her and make her worried much. The pre-worship prayer team came down to pray for the children workers this morning too, not only I missed out big time, but also I make them worried too.

I realized now, my greatest fear is not afraid that people didn't need me, my greatest fear is that I might hurt other's feeling and disappointed people. well may be is kind of the same. After you fail someone, the next thing is that they started to have this scar in them every time they try to trust you again. I think that's why I have a had time believe that God would say to me "I believe in you!" I wish someone was there to wake me up this morning. stupid me (>. < i)

I Love Jesus

My soul was tired. My faith was sored. Last night, I was hoping I could spend sometimes with friends and put everything behind for just a little while, unfortunately, the restaurants we went was just too crowded, we only ate and left. After we had dinner, they all have their schedule and run home.

So I went to the ocean by myself. The night surely was beautiful. I was walking down the beach next to the waves, listening to the audio bible. I didn't know how long I have listened, but surely my heart started to feel a little better after I had listened about 59 chapters of Psalm. Here are some verses that encourage me the most:

LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary? Who may live on your holy hill? ... [He] who keeps his oath even when it hurts. (15:1, 4) I said to my Lord, "You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing." I will praise the Lord who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grace...(16:7-10) Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God. (43:5) Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners will turn back to You. (51:11-13) But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship... Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you. (55:13,22)

My soul was still downcast and there were nothing extraordinary happened, but I just knew I wanted to praise God anyway. So I changed the reading to worship music. I started to sing praise and trying to dance with the slow music. Nevertheless, I didn't want to make too much of a gesture, don't want people to think that I am crazy or drunk. But when I got to the faster music, I really wanted to jump. The funny thing is that while I still restricting myself to jump with the music, one big huge wave comes in and trying to get my feet. It force me to jump backwards at least 10 feet. It was then I got hooked afterward. I was tracing the waves back to the ocean and the waves trace me back to the shore. Time when by so fast that I didn't even know I worship two more hours at the beach. At the end of the night, I just wanted to write to Jesus so say that I love Him anyway. As I wrote it, the first time, the naughty wave washed it away and got my feet wet. The second time, two people came by and asked me, "what are you spelling?" I laughed and said to them, "I love Jesus." They must have though that I am a Jesus freak, so they walk away without a word. Soon after I finished writing it, the naughty wave came in again and washed it. so I wrote to Jesus the third time, but only this time I wrote it in the starry sky. Nothing can wash it away, and I can see it everywhere I go.

Beauty

Our heart are made to draw to beautiful things. But just like rose has it thorns on the vine, beauty always has its way to protect themselves from being harm. The flip side of this protection is that it made some culture to draw the conclusion that beauty is danger. Some even would say that the more beautiful the appearance is, the more poison it contains. As a result, those culture would have a bad impression of beauty, or they put high guard on them.
Nevertheless, despite of that, what is it beauty could do to us? Why are we attracted to beauty? One thing I believe the function of beauty is to bring balance of the mess it is inside of us. When our hearts has mess up, we tend to draw ourselves to some beautiful thing, such as ocean, sunset, starry sky...etc, because we need that balance to release the mess that is inside. But the ultimate goal that God put in the power of the beauty in nature is really to remind us about the creator. His power and His beauty.

Give Me a Reason to Live

God, you blessed me to exercise my faith muscle, but don't you think is a little too much? My faith is all sore up right now. My faith is just so weak. Weak like nothing. Give me a reason why you preserve me till this day? Give me a reason why You let me living a life without faith? Give me a reason why you still let me to take-control? Give me a reason why you should not reign in me? You know that I am nothing without you. Give me a reason Jesus. A reason I am not crucified on the cross and let you live. I am waiting. Give me a reason. Father I can't go on. Do not let me grief you, Holy Spirit. Take my life Jesus.

Where is my Faith?

Father, I have known you for many years now, but how much do I live on what I know? I needed more faith in my life. Father, whatever it takes, please I want to live a life that you are the reason. I am living too much for myself. Not enough Father, it’s not enough right now. I have let the world robbed my joy away, the joy that you have given to me. Teach me how to pray Father. My thoughts are in your way. My mind is in your way. My hands are in your way. Whatever it takes Father, cause me to surrender. Why do I want salvation? It isn’t about doing good. Is the matter of knowing You as who You are isn’t it? Talk to me face to face Father, I don’t care if I die. If I die, I die in front of you rather than dying without knowing you. Show me Father that we have a relationship or have not? If I have not, what does it takes to start? I want you. I know I do not have to do anything to earn your love, but I so tired of myself believing in that. Why are you so far away Father? Do not let me go down to the pit. Will the dust really praise you? Baptize my heart Father. I am so tire of being me.